[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.