How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.