There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
No regrets in 2018
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat