Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
same bro
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Well well well…
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.