Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
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ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.