cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
This is my cat’s medicine.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.