Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Autocorrect completely socks
Yes
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”