My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
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I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now