my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
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up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Stop.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
men are simple creatures
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman