[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
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What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
A game married people play.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
IT’S-A ME,