Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.