Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
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The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
mumsnet is amazing
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…