My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Fiction has to make sense.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”