I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
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*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Stop sending me this shit.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
This guy gets it.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant