I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
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8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Incredible customer service.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.