Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
You Might Also Like
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
giddy up Office Depot
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks