My rap name is When i$ Lunch
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Sponch
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠