hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.