Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Goodnight 🐶
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.