Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.