If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
don’t be scared
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move