me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
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ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology: