Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
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Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*