Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial