Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
You Might Also Like
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
dictator is short for richard potato
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
A double negative is a big no-no.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
ugh not again
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”