Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
When you kidnap a writer.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.