Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
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[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Customer is always right
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?