“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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your honor my client chooses dare
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I have a new favorite meme page
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”