her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You Might Also Like
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
That earthquake could have been an email.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*