Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you