Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Okay
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I don’t get marriage