In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
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ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
quarantine day 3
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!