Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
I already tried new things thanks.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I鈥檇 stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn鈥檛 pay kids.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 馃檪
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I鈥檝e been chasing that high ever since.
Get your ski mask. We鈥檙e pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.