I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
you stereotypes are all alike
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.