[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Wednesday
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.