11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I think this should do it.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I cannot call her anything else now
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Meowchelangelo
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about