[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.