PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
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Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
This trial is so absurd 😭
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom