*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.