[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.