THIS IS SPARTA!
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THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
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THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
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So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!