Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
I WON A HAM TODAY
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
pelicons
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire