Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
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me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together