Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
No way!
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.