I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Legend 🤣🤣
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂