The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.