Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
multitasking lunch
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism