Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.