*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes