Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.